Am I still a Polyandress?

 

Sometimes I think of writing in my blog as "free therapy" because it helps me to release my secrets....the things that I can't talk to my friends about.  Well, I'm feeling in need of some therapy this morning...

So -

Last night I had my 8th date with James, this new guy that I really like.  We had a really heavy and serious conversation...it was very emotional for me, and now this morning since he hasn't texted me like usual, I'm right away worried that I just messed things up by being too honest. 

Not that honesty is a bad thing, I think it is a good thing, and he would have found out that I'm a polyandress and I have a close relationship with Devon eventually anyway...it's just I am afraid that another man won't want to share me like Trevor did.

So this too-honest conversation with James - it went like this:

"For most of the past year I've considered myself a polyandress." (And, he actually knew what that word meant - how???)
 

"And, I'm not sure how I feel about it going forward - my best friend Devon will probably always be in my life, and right now he's more than just a friend, even though I don't see him in real life hardly ever.  (It's a phone-call relationship.)  Is he another boyfriend?  I think so, but I don't know.  Sometimes I feel really confused about what the difference between a relationship and a friendship even is."
 

Anyway - he was kinda okay with me having this other man in my life that I'm emotionally attached to.  (Of course, I'm sure it helps that Devon is not physically attracted to women, so we have never had a physical relationship.)  So - why do I consider him to be another boyfriend? 

Because I love him.
 

That's right - I love a man who I barely ever see in real life, who is not attracted to women, whose mother hates my guts, who has told me that there's no future for us to be together anymore than we currently are because in his mind we have the perfect relationship.  (We talk on the phone, and a couple times a year travel together.) 

He is more than happy to "timeshare" me with another man because he knows I need a companion and a lover, and that he doesn't satisfy me in that regard and he wants me to be happy.
 

So - now Devon knows about James and James knows about Devon.  Will this work??? 

I thought that polyandry was just a unique situation for me that lasted only because of certain events and people...but maybe "polyandress" is actually part of who I am now.
 

I really wish that I could just go back in time a few years, back to a time when I believed in true love where just one person could be my everything...back to when things were simpler.

I never wanted to be a polyandress.  It just happened because both Devon and my ex, Trevor, felt that I was "too much to handle" and they both agreed to timeshare me.  I was backed into a corner because I was about to lose both them, but if they each could have only "half a girlfriend" they were both happy to keep dating me. 

And, I thought that would make me happy.  I could have everything I wanted, just split between two men.  It did, for the most part, until I found out that Trevor was cheating.  But, he probably would have been that way even if we were monogamous...sigh.

But, if I look at it a different way - why was I taught growing up that you find your "soulmate" and that one person is your everything...your best friend, lover, companion, shoulder to cry on, shoulder to lean on, person to make you laugh, person to listen to you, etc.  It does seem that expecting just one person to be all of those things to you is asking a bit much.
 

People here seem to think that if you split up those responsibilities among a few different people, then it seems that you are not dedicated to your boyfriend, that you are cheating.
 

And I never want to cheat.  That's why I have it all out in the open as a polyandress.
 

Well, certain people don't approve of that either - and most family and friends think this is destined to blow up in my face, in a spectacular fashion.
 

And, maybe it will - but when I look at those people's screwed up relationships, cheating, break ups and divorces...I don't think they have it all together either.

Urgghh...maybe it's all about semantics - the way we say words...I can also say that Devon is just my best friend, and that would also be true.
 

Am I still a polyandress?  I think I am.