"I want to be monogamous," he says to me.
Let me back up in the story.
Devon and I have been together for six years. For the first four years we were a "normal" monogamous couple. Then, because I was "too much" for him to handle, we broke up for almost two years (but stayed very close friends). During that time I started dating Trevor, a long-time friend of mine.
For a year and a half Trevor and I were a "normal" monogamous couple.
I became a polyandress because I was at a crossroads - I loved two men, but they each felt that I had too much energy and was too much to handle. I was about to lose both of them.
I sat back and thought about it. What did I want in a life partner? Devon fulfilled many of my needs, and the ones that he didn't meet, Trevor met those.
Was it possible to love both of them as a polyandress?
I talked to each of them, and they agreed to "timeshare" me. That was seven months ago, and I'm happy to say that this experiment has worked. I think we're all much happier than we were before, and everyone is getting and giving what they want to in a relationship.
But then - just recently Devon and I went to my cousin's wedding with my family...
It reminded both of us of weddings we attended before together - before when we were a monogamous couple and thought that we would one day get married ourselves.
I wondered, what does it mean when you tell someone that you love them and you want to spend your life with them, but you recognize you're probably not ever going to walk down the aisle together?
I've never been the girl who dreamed about wedding dresses and planned her wedding before she even met "the one."
But, one of the hard things about being a polyandress is that I have realized that I need to accept that I will not be able to stand up in front of all of my friends and family and get married,announcing, "these are the men that I love and I am going to spend my life with."
I am never going to have a big, fancy wedding. I cannot choose between them, and I cannot marry both of them legally or socially acceptably.
My immediate family knows that I'm a polyandress and supports me, Devon and Trevor.
Many of my relatives have met both Devon and Trevor at different events. My mom has even told people that "she has two boyfriends."
But the real reason that I will not marry both of them is because both Devon and Trevor don't want their families or friends to know that I have another man, or that they're okay with it.
At Devon and Trevor's request I've kept quiet about it with our mutual friends. When people have asked me, I say that Devon and I are best friends and Trevor is my boyfriend, (not that I am a polyandress and they are both my partners.)
I alternate who I bring to parties with me, depending on who is available that night and interested in going. My mom suggested that my friends haven't figured it out just because they don't want to know. They're probably not that open minded.
- - -
So, back to my cousin's wedding...
Devon and I had a great time socializing and dancing with my cousins. It wasn't until the next morning we woke up, and wished that we could be normal, and have a normal wedding, and a normal relationship, and just not have to disguise the true nature of our relationship!
During our argument when he said, "I want to be monogamous," I countered with, "I'd love to be your "one and only" too, but in order for that to happen you need to fufill all of my relationship needs. Trevor is a really important part of my life. Trevor is my lover and my everyday companion. Are you prepared to fill his shoes?"
"No."
"I can't do that."
"You ask for too much," Devon said.
"No, Devon, YOU ask for too much. You really don't want all of the responsibility of being in a relationship, but you also don't want to share me with anyone else. That leaves me with only half of a partner. That's not fair," I replied.
"But, I still have that dream that one day I will walk down the aisle and get married, and have kids with my wife, and have a normal family."
"How are you going to have kids when you don't even want to do it?"
"I think I could "get it up" for conception purposes."
"Yeah, right. You've never been interested in doing it before."
"Well, maybe one day I will figure it out... But, if I dedicate my love to you as a part of a polyandrist relationship, I will never have that family of my own. I'll always just be a part of your family with Trevor. The kids will really be his."
"I'm sorry, Devon, but that's just how it is. It's not my first choice to be a polyandress either, but since things didn't work out for a monogamous relationship, I think polyandry is a pretty good option for the three of us."
- - -
After we both cooled down, he told me that he loves me and still wants to be a part of this polyandrist relationship.
"Maybe we don't have to be 'normal', we can just be happy," he said.
Sigh...sometimes life and love are really complicated...
Let me back up in the story.
Devon and I have been together for six years. For the first four years we were a "normal" monogamous couple. Then, because I was "too much" for him to handle, we broke up for almost two years (but stayed very close friends). During that time I started dating Trevor, a long-time friend of mine.
For a year and a half Trevor and I were a "normal" monogamous couple.
I became a polyandress because I was at a crossroads - I loved two men, but they each felt that I had too much energy and was too much to handle. I was about to lose both of them.
I sat back and thought about it. What did I want in a life partner? Devon fulfilled many of my needs, and the ones that he didn't meet, Trevor met those.
Was it possible to love both of them as a polyandress?
I talked to each of them, and they agreed to "timeshare" me. That was seven months ago, and I'm happy to say that this experiment has worked. I think we're all much happier than we were before, and everyone is getting and giving what they want to in a relationship.
But then - just recently Devon and I went to my cousin's wedding with my family...
It reminded both of us of weddings we attended before together - before when we were a monogamous couple and thought that we would one day get married ourselves.
I wondered, what does it mean when you tell someone that you love them and you want to spend your life with them, but you recognize you're probably not ever going to walk down the aisle together?
I've never been the girl who dreamed about wedding dresses and planned her wedding before she even met "the one."
But, one of the hard things about being a polyandress is that I have realized that I need to accept that I will not be able to stand up in front of all of my friends and family and get married,announcing, "these are the men that I love and I am going to spend my life with."
I am never going to have a big, fancy wedding. I cannot choose between them, and I cannot marry both of them legally or socially acceptably.
My immediate family knows that I'm a polyandress and supports me, Devon and Trevor.
Many of my relatives have met both Devon and Trevor at different events. My mom has even told people that "she has two boyfriends."
But the real reason that I will not marry both of them is because both Devon and Trevor don't want their families or friends to know that I have another man, or that they're okay with it.
At Devon and Trevor's request I've kept quiet about it with our mutual friends. When people have asked me, I say that Devon and I are best friends and Trevor is my boyfriend, (not that I am a polyandress and they are both my partners.)
I alternate who I bring to parties with me, depending on who is available that night and interested in going. My mom suggested that my friends haven't figured it out just because they don't want to know. They're probably not that open minded.
- - -
So, back to my cousin's wedding...
Devon and I had a great time socializing and dancing with my cousins. It wasn't until the next morning we woke up, and wished that we could be normal, and have a normal wedding, and a normal relationship, and just not have to disguise the true nature of our relationship!
During our argument when he said, "I want to be monogamous," I countered with, "I'd love to be your "one and only" too, but in order for that to happen you need to fufill all of my relationship needs. Trevor is a really important part of my life. Trevor is my lover and my everyday companion. Are you prepared to fill his shoes?"
"No."
"I can't do that."
"You ask for too much," Devon said.
"No, Devon, YOU ask for too much. You really don't want all of the responsibility of being in a relationship, but you also don't want to share me with anyone else. That leaves me with only half of a partner. That's not fair," I replied.
"But, I still have that dream that one day I will walk down the aisle and get married, and have kids with my wife, and have a normal family."
"How are you going to have kids when you don't even want to do it?"
"I think I could "get it up" for conception purposes."
"Yeah, right. You've never been interested in doing it before."
"Well, maybe one day I will figure it out... But, if I dedicate my love to you as a part of a polyandrist relationship, I will never have that family of my own. I'll always just be a part of your family with Trevor. The kids will really be his."
"I'm sorry, Devon, but that's just how it is. It's not my first choice to be a polyandress either, but since things didn't work out for a monogamous relationship, I think polyandry is a pretty good option for the three of us."
- - -
After we both cooled down, he told me that he loves me and still wants to be a part of this polyandrist relationship.
"Maybe we don't have to be 'normal', we can just be happy," he said.
Sigh...sometimes life and love are really complicated...
No comments:
Post a Comment