Finding Happiness in Polyandry

"I want you to only do the things with me and for me that you WANT to do."

That's what I've told both of my men.  And, that in return is how I want to treat them also. 

Let me explain.  I am in a "V-shaped" polyandric relationship.  I have separate relationships with Trevor and Devon.  Both of my men know about each other and are happy to "timeshare" me.

Prior to our relationship becoming polyandric three weeks ago, my relationship with Trevor was on the rocks. 

Trevor and I were in a monogamous relationship for a year and a half.  At that time I tried to keep my long-term relationship with Devon very platonic, minimizing it as much as possible, since I thought that I could only really love one man at a time.  Trevor was so open and understanding the whole time, telling me that it was okay if I stayed friends with my ex-fiance.  Because in my heart I just couldn't let go of Devon, sometimes I doubted the feelings I had for Trevor. 

Three and a half weeks ago Trevor sat me down for a talk, "There's something that I've been wanting to tell you since Valentine's Day.  Do you remember my friend Bruno?  Well, for Valentine's Day he wrote a really long passionate love letter to his girlfriend Angela and posted it publicly on Facebook.  In the letter he was talking about how she is the best and most important thing in his life and he is just head over heels for her.  Every time he sees her his heart skips a beat and he just can't imagine his life without her.  And she is amazing and beautiful and on and on and on..

"Anyway, I read Bruno's letter to his girlfriend and I just couldn't stop thinking how I don't know if I'll ever feel that way about anyone, ever.  I remember feeling intense ecstatic feelings like that when I was 20 years old, but now that I'm older...

"So I thought, maybe if I just put you first in my life, then I would feel like that about you.  So, since then I've tried to be the ideal man.  I've done everything you've asked me to do, I've gone everywhere that you've invited me to go, and I've tried to think about you and put your needs and wants first.  But, after five weeks of doing that, I just feel exhausted!  And instead of making me feel madly in love with you, I feel kinda resentful.  You have such a high energy level and I can't keep up with that.  I need time for myself." 

Trevor explained that he really wanted to make it work, but felt overwhelmed by the amount of time and attention I seemed to require.  He wasn't used to being in a relationship.  At 47 years old he has never been married, had no kids, and I was his longest relationship by far.  As a seasoned bachelor he enjoyed his time alone and answering to no one but himself. 

I was very surprised that was what he had to tell me.  In those five weeks he tried to be the ideal man, he succeeded.  He was amazing.  Too good to be true.

During that time I had felt myself drawing closer to him, and spending extra time with him because I thought that HE wanted to.  I had also been trying to systematically cut Devon out of my life.  Not because I wanted to, but because I thought that Trevor wanted me to.

We were both trying to make each other happy by doing what we thought they wanted, without asking them if that's what they really wanted.

It turns out - when we try to read each others' minds instead of openly communicating, and suppress our own desires to satisfy what we imagine they want - no one is happy.  To make our relationship work we all need to be in charge of making sure our own needs are fulfilled.

"I want you to only do the things with me and for me that you WANT to do" is actually a very difficult proposition to keep.  We often want to make the other person happy, and we think that putting their needs above our own will please them.  But, the true road to a strong relationship is to first be happy yourself.

Hiding in the Closet

Now that I've embraced Polyandry as an alternative lifestyle I've come to understand why "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is such a difficult policy for gay people.  It's about social acceptance, and not having to hide who you really are.

For the time being I've decided to stay "in the closet" with my friends and extended family about the nature of my polyandric relationship with Trevor and Devon.  I'm finding it to be surprisingly difficult because I am a very open person, and I now need to be really careful about what I say and the comments I make about the two most important people in my life. 

I already found myself almost letting it slip.  I was visiting a long-time friend the other day and I found myself telling a short story about something funny that Trevor did, and not a half hour later making a reference to Devon.  She noticed. 

"Oh, I thought you were still with Trevor."

Yes. 

I shrugged it off by saying that Devon and I are still friends and "it's complicated."  She accepted that explanation.  Whew!!!

I've been thinking about how to politically correctly refer to the both of them, in a way that my conservative friends can handle.  The best answer I've come up with is that Trevor and I are together, and Devon is my best friend.  That really unfairly downplays my relationship with Devon, but we talked about it, and he agreed that label was best for now. 


I also nearly slipped again a few days ago while eating lunch with my long-term friend Charles.  Now Charles is just a friend, and has never been anything else.  But, we've known each other since we went to school together, so we go way back.  For many years, Charles has given me man- and life-advice, and I can talk to him about pretty much anything.  He is probably one of the most religious and the most open-minded people I know.  (What a combination!) 

Charles is also friends with both Trevor and Devon (they all met thru me.)

All of this combined makes it so hard to keep my secret.  I was relieved that Charles didn't ask what my current relationship status is during our lunch.  But, we talked about lots of different topics, including controversial ones.

We were talking about politics, and I mentioned that I heard someone say that the current national focus on the gay marriage debate may be distracting our attention from the other issues happening right now.  He asked why I thought there is currently so much emphasis on the gay marriage issue.

I was surprised that he wasn't aware of the media's fixation on the topic.  I've noticed lately that this ad (see image at top of blog entry) has been following me around the internet.  I've seen it while using YouTube, while reading articles on news websites, and even when reading blogs that are unrelated to that topic.  Then, I turned my computer off and watched some news, and they were talking about gay marriage there too.  I read the newspaper and it was being discussed again.  Somehow that was also the chosen topic on the radio when I was driving, and one of my relatives sent me a forwarded email about it.  I've been feeling like I can't get away from it!

Seeing and hearing all of these ads has definitely got me thinking about the gay marriage debate more often.  I wonder if the desire to legally marry your significant other stems from the desire for social acceptance and openness.  They don't want to have to hide who they are, just like I don't want to. 

The stakes are so high.  I don't think Charles would turn his back on me over it, but I do have other friends that I think I would lose if they knew.  I have to guard my words, my thoughts, and if someone asks me directly, I need to remember to lie.

I mentioned to Charles that I read in an article about the gay marriage debate that some people think that if gay marriage is legalized, then polygamy will be next. 

Charles said, "Why only one man with multiple women?  What about one woman with multiple men too?"

We talked about polygamy and polyandry some more and he remarked that I really know a lot about the topic.  Umm - I was curious about the topic and did some Google searches?  Does that explain it? 

Ooh!  Close call!  It's surprisingly hard not to talk about something that's been on my mind so much lately. 

I'm going to need to be much more careful at the "Girl's Night" party I'm going to this weekend!  What am I going to say if/when someone asks me about my relationship status?

How do you define polyandry?

Polyandry is a word that I never heard of before deciding to become a polyandress.  It was only after talking to both of my guys and seeing how this arrangement could actually make all of us happy that I started doing some google searches - looking to see if there were other people out there like us - that I discovered the name for our lifestyle.

One thing I found is that relationships really have many different shapes and sizes, and some things that seem like alternative lifestyles are not necessarily as alternative as we think. 

Some things can be defined in different ways.  I don't have to define my relationship as polyandry.  I do because I like to think of it that way. 

I could also define myself as a single woman who is just dating two men.  But, I think it's more than that because both of my relationships are committed and long term.

All three of us like to think of ourselves and our lives in different ways.  Trevor likes to think he doesn't have to be responsible (although I think he is the most responsible of the three of us).  Devon likes to think that he and I can read each others' minds.  I like to think that I have a harem.  All of these statements are partially true, and mostly not. 

Polyandry is defined as a long term committed relationship between one woman and multiple men with the knowledge and consent of all involved. 

Here are some similar terms and their definitions:

• Polygamy - a committed relationship with more than two partners, includes polygyny, polyandry and group marriage
• Polygyny - a committed relationship between one man and multiple women
• Group marriage - a committed and exclusive relationship between a selected set of partners, both male and female.
• Love triangle - a romantic relationship where each of the three people has some kind of relationship to the other two, and often triggers jealousy and hatred between the rivals involved.
• Bigamy - entering a marriage while simultaneously being in a marriage with another person, without the knowledge or consent of people involved.  This is considered a crime, and the second marriage is considered void.
  

Instead of defining these terms using the word "marriage," I am using the term "committed relationship."  I am making this distinction because the marriage of more than two people is currently not legal in the country where I live.  Also, I don't know if I will ever get married.  But, if I did, it could only be to one man.


Until two weeks ago, when we made the decision and all of us agreed to try out this alternative lifestyle, I really hoped to get married in the future.  And, I was very frustrated as I got older, and my biological clock was ticking, that I couldn't seem to tie the knot.  Now, I have realized that what I really want is to have children in the future, but that doesn't mean that I need to get married. 

In the article "In Defense of Single Motherhood," author Katie Roiphe states that, "we now live in a country in which 53 percent of the babies born to women under 30 are born to unmarried mothers." 

It's been a challenge to let go of the idea that I need to get married to one man in order to have children, since my socially conservative culture tells me that's the only way to have a "planned" pregnancy, and that all other children are "accidents."  But, I really believe that adaptability is the key to success, and I have the ability to adapt to alternative options - like having kids with who I want when I am ready.  I'm not ready yet - we'll see what happens in the future.

I actually don't think I'd be happy without both of my men in my life.  They fulfill very different roles in my life.  To me, my relationships are not complete without having both of these roles.  To each of them, they don't even see a need for the other's role in a relationship. 

For example, I value having someone to make and eat dinner with.  Devon finds eating dinner together to be an unnecessary inconvenience, and prefers to eat frozen dinners on his own time. Even though I tried begging, pleading, coercing and all sorts of unattractive methods to try to get him to eat dinner with me occasionally, it rarely worked out and only resulted in hurt feelings on both sides.

Trevor on the other hand, really enjoys cooking and eating with me.  He will go out of his way to wait for me so we can eat together, and to cook food that he knows I like.  Now that I am having this need fulfilled in my life, I am no longer angry that Devon doesn't want to have that be a regular part of our relationship. 

Allowing myself to have two men in my life puts me in the driver's seat of my life and in charge of getting my needs met.

To me, that's what polyandry's about. 

Polyandry is a Possibility

I am just a normal 33 year old woman who was looking for "the one."  I haven't found one person who has fulfilled all of my needs for a relationship.  But, I found two.  Neither of these men alone make me happy, but combined, I'm hoping they will be a dream come true!

We've officially been in a polyandrous relationship for two weeks now, and I'm writing this blog because I need to have a place to express my thoughts and tell about my experiences.  My parents know about the nature of our relationship, and they approve (wow!), but I'm pretty sure that none of my friends would be able to handle knowing about it!  In fact, I think that for now it's best to keep it "in the closet" so to speak.

Our relationship is a "V".  I have separate relationships with Trevor and Devon.  They each know about my relationship with the other, and have met each other many times in the past.

Trevor and I met almost ten years ago and we've been friends since.  We started dating a year and a half ago, and have had some rocky moments, but lots of great ones too.  He is an amazing cook, and we actually fight about who gets to cook dinner because we both love to cook.  He's fun to be around, and I am able to let my passionate side out to play when we're together.  I love him, but in a different way than I love Devon.

But, Trevor had some big fears of commitment, doesn't want to celebrate holidays, and felt overwhelmed by the amount of time and attention I seemed to require.  He wanted to break up over those things.

Devon and I met almost seven years ago, and we dated for four years, got engaged, started planning the wedding, and then some serious issues came up.  We have been broken up (although never completely out of touch) for the past two years.  Devon is the most loving, most romantic man I know and I still believe that he is my soulmate and that we will remain friends, maybe even best friends, for the rest of our lives.  I love him so much.  What is the problem, then? 

After telling me for years that he thought that being physical should be saved for marriage he admitted that he is probably an asexual.  This was a huge surprise to me because he was always very touchy-feely, and I thought that would translate into you-know-what.  But it didn't.  He told me he is the type of asexual who still desires a relationship and likes to cuddle and kiss.  He just doesn't understand why that other stuff is important to me.  That wasn't the only problem in our relationship, but to me, it was the biggest unsolvable issue.  In addition, Devon felt like I had a much higher energy level than he could match, and he just couldn't give me enough time to keep me happy.

Over the past year I have really struggled with letting go of him as my best friend, because I felt that I should only have one man in my life.  I've joked to myself and my mother for a few years that maybe I just need to have another man in addition to him, but I never dreamed that I would actually find two men that wanted to "timeshare" me!

When I finally let go of the idea that I could only have one man in my life, and that he needed to fulfill all of my needs it was a huge release.

I kinda feel that instead of having two men, it's like each of them are half of a relationship, and when you add them together they are just one, really awesome relationship.  They each fulfill different areas in my life, and there isn't very much overlap.  Trevor is my lover, my dinner companion, and the person I hang out with.  Devon is my best friend, my soulmate, my confidante, travel companion, my Romeo, and my personal adviser.

I consider both of these roles to be very important, and I'm happy that I now have two men to make me happy.  They are not just okay with the arrangement, but actually enthusiastic about it!  I love both of them, and they both love me.  :)