That's what I've told both of my men. And, that in return is how I want to treat them also.
Let me explain. I am in a "V-shaped" polyandric relationship. I have separate relationships with Trevor and Devon. Both of my men know about each other and are happy to "timeshare" me.
Prior to our relationship becoming polyandric three weeks ago, my relationship with Trevor was on the rocks.
Trevor and I were in a monogamous relationship for a year and a half. At that time I tried to keep my long-term relationship with Devon very platonic, minimizing it as much as possible, since I thought that I could only really love one man at a time. Trevor was so open and understanding the whole time, telling me that it was okay if I stayed friends with my ex-fiance. Because in my heart I just couldn't let go of Devon, sometimes I doubted the feelings I had for Trevor.
Three and a half weeks ago Trevor sat me down for a talk, "There's something that I've been wanting to tell you since Valentine's Day. Do you remember my friend Bruno? Well, for Valentine's Day he wrote a really long passionate love letter to his girlfriend Angela and posted it publicly on Facebook. In the letter he was talking about how she is the best and most important thing in his life and he is just head over heels for her. Every time he sees her his heart skips a beat and he just can't imagine his life without her. And she is amazing and beautiful and on and on and on..
"Anyway, I read Bruno's letter to his girlfriend and I just couldn't stop thinking how I don't know if I'll ever feel that way about anyone, ever. I remember feeling intense ecstatic feelings like that when I was 20 years old, but now that I'm older...
"So I thought, maybe if I just put you first in my life, then I would feel like that about you. So, since then I've tried to be the ideal man. I've done everything you've asked me to do, I've gone everywhere that you've invited me to go, and I've tried to think about you and put your needs and wants first. But, after five weeks of doing that, I just feel exhausted! And instead of making me feel madly in love with you, I feel kinda resentful. You have such a high energy level and I can't keep up with that. I need time for myself."
Trevor explained that he really wanted to make it work, but felt overwhelmed by the amount of time and attention I seemed to require. He wasn't used to being in a relationship. At 47 years old he has never been married, had no kids, and I was his longest relationship by far. As a seasoned bachelor he enjoyed his time alone and answering to no one but himself.
I was very surprised that was what he had to tell me. In those five weeks he tried to be the ideal man, he succeeded. He was amazing. Too good to be true.
During that time I had felt myself drawing closer to him, and spending extra time with him because I thought that HE wanted to. I had also been trying to systematically cut Devon out of my life. Not because I wanted to, but because I thought that Trevor wanted me to.
We were both trying to make each other happy by doing what we thought they wanted, without asking them if that's what they really wanted.
It turns out - when we try to read each others' minds instead of openly communicating, and suppress our own desires to satisfy what we imagine they want - no one is happy. To make our relationship work we all need to be in charge of making sure our own needs are fulfilled.
"I want you to only do the things with me and for me that you WANT to do" is actually a very difficult proposition to keep. We often want to make the other person happy, and we think that putting their needs above our own will please them. But, the true road to a strong relationship is to first be happy yourself.
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