In the society I was raised in all of the girls are taught - "True love waits." It's a purity pledge that tells us to reserve physical intimacy for marriage.
Some people take it more seriously than others, from "we just won't do anything that would make a baby," to the much more conservative, "we are saving our first kiss for our wedding day."
I was somewhere in between. My elders probably didn't intend to teach me that intimacy was disgusting, but I was convinced that I didn't want intimacy before marriage, and that after marriage it was just "a woman's duty," so I would have to grin and bear it.
But still, I hoped that I would like it one day. I thought that our society's obsession with it must mean that there was something desirable about it...
- - -
Because I was a part of a conservative Christian social group, I had the idea that it was my responsibility to stop anything intimate from happening. Basically, I was a prude.
Because of that I waited until my early 30s to try to lose my vir gin ity. I had wanted to wait until I was married, but I was already engaged, and I was starting to have suspicions that my fiance, Devon, didn't have much of a se x drive.
He was upset that I was "so interested." He wasn't. I broke off our engagement.
I was devastated. I went to counseling, it was no help. I told Devon that whoever I date next is going to be the "lucky man." I wasn't going to wait for marriage anymore.
Then Trevor, my long-time friend, found out I was single and wanted to see if our friendship could blossom into something more. We kissed on our first date. Several dates down the road he tried to get me into bed with him. Initally I laid down, but within minutes I freaked out. Not because of anything he did, which was not much, but because I felt so much anxiety over just thinking about it.
I ended up confessing my history to him (a boyfriend who called me a "nymfo", cheated on me with a gay man, and then Devon) and telling Trevor that I thought there was something wrong with me, and just thinking about doing it caused me so much anxiety that I didn't think I was interested anymore, ever.
He felt awful and thought it was him, but said he would give me some time to figure out what I wanted and not pressure me.
He was just what I needed at that time. I went to a therapist to try to work through my problems, I read books, I got a vibe (much to his horror, haha, Trevor is actually kinda prudish).
We slowly worked up to it. I felt grateful that he liked me so much that he would give me so many months to figure it out. I delayed as I tried to figure out the technicalities, birth con trol for me, st d testing for him.
It was really hard for me to convince myself that's what I wanted to do without a ring on my finger, but at the same time I knew that I would never marry someone without "trying them out" first, or I would find myself in the same bad situation that I had been in prior, just with no easy out.
Finally, I had been thinking about it for some time and one weekend we were making out at my house and I just said, "let's do it." Sh it. That hurt. That was the most unromantic, uncomfortable and unexciting thing I could imagine. Afterwards I just kept thinking, "really, I've been warned my whole life against that? That's it???"
Somehow I thought that losing my vir gini ty would included fireworks in the sky and I would feel different afterwards - either more mature or bad and unclean. I felt neither, I just felt completely the same, just unimpressed.
It didn't get better. After the third time we almost broke up over it. The only reason we stayed together is because I asked him to help me figure out my sexuality and told him that he was a "safe" person that I trusted to help me. There was no commitment in our relationship at that time.
I felt like if I didn't figure it out with Trevor, the problem wouldn't go away, I would just find the same issue hurting my next relationship as well.
I kept thinking, "I am so so so glad that I am not married right now, because then I would feel trapped and forced to keep doing this. At least now I know that I can stop whenever I want and just walk away."
It didn't get any better for the next six or seven times. We took a break for a while, I read many books and tried many things to prepare myself.
Probably the eleventh time that we did it, it wasn't bad. It was just neutral. That was an improvement.
In general it kept getting better. There were a few setbacks, but the more we learned about each other the better it got. I finally started liking it after another dozen or so times. Now it feels natural to me and I can't imagine why I believed that religious and social doctrine and deprived myself for so many years.
Recently Trevor said to me, "I'm amazed at how much you've changed since we started dating, and I'm so glad that I gave you the time you needed to figure it out because it's SO awesome now."
I'm glad too.
- - -
But that brings me back to my first topic.
Recently a close friend, Jenny, confided in me that she's terrified for her upcoming honeymoon.
Her family raised her even more strictly than mine, and she's a strong fundamentalist Christian who has taken those rules to the next level. Even though she's been dating her fiance for three years, she has a no kissing policy. Also, no caressing or doing anything that turns her on because she feels that those feelings temptations from the devil. She also won't even say "I love you" until their wedding because she feels that is also sacred and not to be shared with someone who is not your spouse.
I don't know how her fiance can put up with all of that.
Jenny told me that she's terrified because she's been told "it hurts the first time" and she can't stand the thought of him seeing her without clothes on. When she told me that, my heart just broke for her. It seems that her upbringing is leading her to have an awful first experience, just like me. She's so tense and scared about it that it is almost guaranteed to hurt a lot.
She also told me that she never uses tam pons because she can't "put something up there." And she's really concerned about not getting pregnant and worries that her fiance won't know how to use a con dom. Yep, that's a recipe for disaster.
She's also putting a lot of emphasis in her marriage ceremony on the idea that they are both vir gins. She invented a special "vir gin ity ceremony" where they will exchange white roses as a symbol to everyone that they are giving away their selves to each other for the first time. (He's 34 years old, but I can't judge if he's actually a vir gin and a normal heterosexual. I guess she'll find out after she's married.)
Because she knows me as a conservative Christian (I officially have one boyfriend and one best friend, but I haven't come out of the closet as a polyandress to any of my friends), I can't admit that I know what it's like to do it (because I'm not married.)
But, even if I could say anything to her, I wouldn't want to. Maybe, it will be a good experience for her, and I wouldn't want to sabotage that possibility.
What would I say anyway, "Yeah, the first dozen times I did it were awful, and the next dozen times were bearable, and after that I started to like it. Now it's great, you just have to get thru those first 30 times or so..."
- - -
That sounds terrible, but back when I was struggling with this, I really would have appreciated some candid remarks from someone who could honestly tell me that they like it.
Back when I was struggling with this, I was so upset because I thought "it shouldn't be this difficult. Why can't I do this?"
But it was difficult. I had to figure it out only with books, the internet and Trevor for guidance.
The few women in my circle of friends and family who would talk about it with me told me they didn't like doing it, but "maybe you'll be one of those unusual women."
Let me tell you, I am so glad that I am "one of those unusual women." :)
