What does it take to be a polyandrist?

I just read the book Only Pack What You Can Carry by Janice Holly Booth.  While this autobiographical book was primarily about travel and outdoor adventures like canyon rappelling, I felt like it was also encouraging me to find my own path based on what I wanted to do, and then to have the courage to do my own thing.

For me, the decision embrace a lifestyle of polyandry took strength and courage.  At the beginning, this was just a joke that I made - "maybe if I'm too much for one man, I should have two."  It was difficult for me to even think that this could be a real relationship model.  I don't personally know of anyone who openly practices polyandry or polygamy.  (But to be fair, I am "in the closet" to my friends and most of my family.)  I feel like I am forging a new path, entering into a relationship that is based on meeting each others' needs, not on an formula that was handed down from a generation that live in a very different society than we do now. 

So far, I have faced less opposition than I expected.  My men, Trevor and Devon, were happy to "change the rules."  My parents are happy.  They said, "we just want you to be happy, and you have a unique situation with Devon that calls for a non-traditional relationship."



The following are quotes from the book, and what I was thinking about my own life as I read this book.

In her book Only Pack What You Can Carry, Booth says on page 51, "Ultimately, though, commitment is really about not settling for a life that is less than what you want for yourself.  I am not referring to material wealth, which is meaningless if you are not fulfilled.  I'm talking about living a life full of vigor and energy and courage, a life that inspires you and others, a life that makes you feel you are not simply biding time, waiting for the next best thing."

I wanted a life that included Devon, but where the parts in my life that were still empty got filled.  At first I thought that I had to give up Devon, my soulmate, in order to find someone to hang out and eat dinner with.  That idea squeezed my soul out until I felt empty, and life felt meaningless.  I wanted to stop biding time and waiting for Mr. Right, when I knew I had already found him.  I know that finding someone to replace Devon would have given me a life that was less than I really wanted.  My changing the rulebook I have created a way to make it work.


Booth talks about fear on page 66, "What I learned in that moment was that there are two kinds of fear-the kind that keeps you from stepping off the edge of a cliff when you shouldn't and the kind that keeps you from stepping off the edge of a cliff when you should."

I had to determine what kind of fear I had about straying from the norm - and determine who's desires were more important - mine or "monogamous" society's rules and judgments.  I thought about it a long time, and discovered that I was no longer happy living by "society's" rules, because they weren't producing the results I wanted in a fulfilling relationship.  I'm also not sure if other people are playing by those rules anyway - society seems rather pseudo-monogamous these days.


On page 159, Booth talks about packing light, "I thought back to that moment on Tomales Point when I realized I had too much baggage, and what the promise to pack lighter has ultimately meant in my life.  Through my expeditions in solitude, I've dropped the rough stones of regret, blame, grudges, unnecessary worry, and unrealistic expectations.  Not only had I been carrying too much with me on the path to a destination that didn't exist-a perceived happiness that was tied to another-I didn't even know I was lost."

It's difficult to pack light - when I try to simplify my life I still find myself bringing too much baggage with me.  I try not to, but in weak moments I keep grudges against my men, blaming them for not being my everything and my Prince Charming.  I worry about my future, and if I'll have made the right decisions.  I have unrealistic expectations that I've learned from romantic comedies, about how I'm supposed to find Mr. Perfect and fall madly and truly in love, and have butterflies all of the time, and never be let down. 

Logically I know that relationships take work, patience and forgiveness, and nobody is perfect.  Happily Ever After with Prince Charming is the "destination that didn't exist."  How many happily married couples do I know that still each think the other is perfect?  Probably no one.  Ignorance is bliss.  When you don't know someone that well, you can imagine how wonderful they are in every way.

I don't think that I am too picky.  I actually fall in love easily.  I don't know if that's a good thing.  I've dated four different men (including Trevor) that at one time I thought I would be happy to marry and start a family with.  My frustration has been that even though I was ready to accept them pimples and all, they were the ones looking for Miss Perfect that makes them feel ecstatically in love at all times. 

I've been told several times, "you are a really great girlfriend, so don't be offended, but in order to commit to marriage I just need everything to be just right.  But I would like to keep dating you..."

I know that everything will never be perfect - that is too high of an expectation.  My big piece of baggage that I still can't seem to lose is frustration and hopelessness.  I do want children to be a part of my future, and very soon, I'm already 33 years old.  Both Trevor and Devon have offered to be my co-parent in the future "when I'm ready."  In other words, we don't have any sort of agreement yet, but they want to be my first sperm-donor choices.

Co-parenting is a child-custody and financial support contract, much like what couples agree to after divorce.  The difference is that there is no divorce, and hopefully, none of the animosity that comes with divorce.  It's a business arrangement with the well-being of the child at the focus.

My frustration is that they both say they want to father and raise children with me, but neither one wants to be committed to being my husband at this time.  That's what is holding me back now.  I don't know if I'm ready to give up the ideal of raising children with someone because we love each other, not that we just chose each other as breeding stock and signed a business contract!  I guess some people would say that a co-parenting contract is not very different from a marriage contract anyway.  Some days I believe that.

Of course, now that we're in a polyandrous relationship, the "rules" have changed.  It may be difficult and/or unnecessary for me to marry either of them and maintain our relationship(s).  Having children or not can be a decision I make independently.  I need some time to accept alternate paths to the same goal.


On page 237 of the book Booth talks about transformation, "Next to the caterpillar frame was an interpretive sign listing a few interesting facts about butterlies.  While in the cocoon, the pupa has to liquefy before it can transform into a butterfly; scientists aren't really sure why.  I smiled: here was another one of nature's unfathomable mysteries, not meant for us to know but simply to ponder in amazement.  And there was the epiphany: No transformation comes from a place of comfort.  No meaningful change happens just because you want it to.  In order to move from one reality to the next, you have to be willing to take risks wherever you find them in life-and sometimes you have to go looking for them.  There are the kinds of risk that really unnerve you, that shake you to the core and make you wonder what you're made of, that melt you like iron ore and then hammer you into something new; the kinds of tests you can't study for."

I'm still struggling with polyandry being a real relationship type.  I am the caterpillar in this scenario.  I think if I am able, it will be a wonderful transformation where I learn to be less judgmental and more accepting of myself and my men the way we really are.


Booth talks about her mother, Katie, finding and exploring a new relationship on page 257, "Katie said yes instead of no and her life changed.  While there, she reunited with a man she'd met at her 25th reunion.  They had become soul mates then, and now he was widowed.  He and Katie were free to explore a new kind of friendship that would sustain them through their later years.  Having spent a long time thinking about the life she wanted, Katie is now able to make her next decision based not on infatuation or repeating the lines of an old, outdated script, but on a foundation of understanding who she is and what will content her in the last years of her life."

I like that last sentence.  It inspires me to make my decisions not based on a romance script where I am a princess needing to be rescued by a knight in shining armor, and instead make my choices based on what will make me happy.


At the end of the book on page 261, Booth talks about how to keep your spirit alive, "For me, the loneliest place to die is not a desert or a mountain-top or a cave.  It's in your heart, your spirit.  It's the place you arrive after years of apathy, of refusing to live your life like a gushing faucet, a crashing wave, an avalance.  It means never being satisfied with stasis, resisting arbitrary rules, setting down your baggage and grabbing at life with both hands and an open heart."

Thank you, Janice Holly Booth, for the inspiration to resist the idea that there is only one way to finding happiness, for reminding me to let go of past hurts, and to live like life is an adventure.

Can Prince Devon and Prince Trevor Rescue the Princess?

I've been raised to believe that when I'm least expecting it, my Prince Charming will come and sweep me off my feet.  We will fall in love and live happily ever after.  That fairytale doesn't have two princes in it, only one.  

Now that I'm older, the story hasn't changed, but Charming is no longer a prince.  People tell me "You will find someone, you just need to lower your unrealistic expectations." 

Sometimes I wonder if instead of being with these two great guys, is there one man out there for me who would actually fulfill all of my relationship desires?  And if I found that one person, would I want to let go of Trevor and Devon to be devoted to one man only? 

Am I settling for polyandry because I haven't found Prince Charming?

The rational side of my brain says that the ideal of finding that one perfect person is impossible - and wishing for something that rarely exists is exactly the thing keeping me from being completely happy with the great situation I have. 


I don't think I'm the only person who is chasing perfection against their will. 

My cousin is 29 years old, and she recently told me that she met a wonderful guy on the internet.  They talked over the phone for months before meeting in person (they live in different states).  Then, when they finally met she saw that he is really short.  Like really short - under five feet.  She said she really wants to not be so superficial because he seems awesome, but she doesn't think she can even date him now.   

My friend Veronica is 31 years old and her longest and only relationship has been 4 months long.  She says she really wants to settle down and start a family, but she can't find anyone who inspires her to give up her freedom of not being responsible to anyone.  She gets irritated if a guy she's dating wants to see her twice in one week because he's "cramping her style."

My friend Sam is 51 years old.  He has been dating Erin, who he originally thought was perfect, but now that the "New Relationship Energy" is gone, he thinks maybe he should search for a different girlfriend to find that feeling again.  He says that rationally his brain still says Erin's the girl for him, but he really wants that magic feeling back.  He thinks that would cure his lifelong fear of commitment.

My friend Jillian is 24 years old, and getting married this August.  She twisted her fiance's arm to change religions, change jobs, give up alcohol, and let her handle his finances.  So far he's complied with her demands, but she has more...

My friend Charles is 27 years old.  He chose to buy a house that his girlfriend Erica didn't want him to buy.  She broke up with him over that decision - the problem was that he chose a house over her.  Erica just got engaged - to a different guy after dating for only five months.  She said that when you know it's right, you just know.  Charles is distraught - he somehow thought that she would get over it and wait for him while he figured his career out first.  She didn't like feeling like his back-up plan.

My friend Susannah is 36 years old.  She recently got pregnant with her friend's baby.  At first I was very confused since she didn't appear to be in any relationship, and didn't claim him as her date or boyfriend.  She told me that she hasn't met any men who spark her interest, and she is ready to just move to the next stage - children - without finding a man first.


Wow - it seems that I live in a soap opera.  No wonder my friends seem to accept my explanation of my current relationship status of "it's complicated."  Suddenly polyandry is sounding very normal and well, functional. 

Why would two men want to share one girlfriend?

I found an interesting blogpost by Sister Y on theviewfromhell.blogspot.ca that attempts to explain why men in the "nerd culture" may want to share one woman.

She explains that the single biggest determinant of a society going polyandrous is a male-skewed gender ratio, and that in the nerd culture there are way more males than females in that society.  She also says that nerds are less likely to be the jealous type, and more likely to disregard cultural norms and rules.  Interesting thoughts. 

Well, Devon is definitely a nerd, and Trevor calls himself a nerd (even though I don't agree he totally fits.)  So maybe this explains some things...


Here is another interesting explanation posted by meaningness on theviewfromhell.blogspot.ca :

Although Starkweather & Hames (sociologists) suggest that "junior husband" status is a second-best strategy for the uncompetitive, in some cases it's desirable and chosen, by men who could have a monogamous relationship if desired.

Some circumstances (based partly on observation of geek culture):

* Don't want to invest the resources a monogamous relationship requires, even though you have them.

* E.g. don't want to take the time, because you are extremely busy with some project. This is evolutionarily sensible if the project will pay off in a big way later. Geeks are also likely to be extremely busy with some project, at times.

* Don't have the skills, or don't want the hassle, of managing the emotions of a woman whose emotions need managing. (That is typically the job of the senior husband only, in the cases I've seen.) This could be a motivation for a lot of geeks.

* A slice of a highly-desirable woman may be better than the whole of a less-desirable one.

To elaborate your analogy: you might get a Zipcar membership even though you could afford to buy a car, because it's less hassle than finding on-street parking, or you don't drive often enough for a car to be cost-effective, or Zipcar has nicer models than you could afford, or...

Is this a symptom of the lack of drive and ambition plaguing men today?

Sometimes I wish I had a man who wanted me all to himself

Devon has started referring to Trevor as my "booty-call."

Image from postsecret.com

I sense a little jealousy there!  Which is not really fair because Devon is asexual.  I have to remind him that being celibate is his choice.

Besides that, Trevor is much more than just a booty-call.  He actually has a much greater role in my everyday life than Devon. 

It's complicated - I consider Devon to be the great love of my life, but if I had to choose only one of my two men, I think I would be much happier with Trevor.

Devon doesn't seem to fully understand that my relationship with Trevor is essential for my relationship with him to work.  Other than the daily long phone calls where we have daily "mind-meld" sessions, Devon is mostly absent from my life.  I've learned in the past few years that he thinks this is the ideal relationship, and no amount of asking, cajoling or coercing will cause him to change his mind.  Sometimes you just have to decide if you are going to take what someone has to offer, or leave.

It's hard for him to understand that his parents' relationship style, which he thinks is wonderful and I think is soul-killing, is not the type of relationship that works for me - unless I have an additional man in my life.

I don't understand why his parents are even still married.  Since I've known him, almost seven years, his parents have only spent about 2 months each year living in the same house.  The rest of the year his father lives in his family's old house on the island or is traveling for work.  Devon's parents talk on the phone daily, but see each other rarely.  When his father does come to visit his mother (who is a germaphobe) frequently tells him to go back to the island because he is "sick".  (I think it's just smoker's cough, nothing contagious.)

Devon's parents haven't slept in the same bedroom for the past twenty years.  Supposedly it's because his father snores so much. 

Devon and his mother made a fuss the first time I visited the island with them about how there were only four bedrooms.  I was confused, since four bedrooms seems like more than enough for two couples.  Then I learned that Devon cannot share a bedroom with anyone and his mother cannot either.  They explained that if I slept in the bedroom next to his father's bedroom that the snoring would keep me awake all night, so maybe his father should get a hotel room in the nearby town while I visited.  My eyes rolled so hard that my neck almost snapped. 

I volunteered to sleep in the room next to his father's bedroom.  If he snored at all on that trip, I didn't notice it.

It would be easy to just write off Devon as having some issues.  Sometimes I think he has Asperger's Syndrome.  (Very intelligent, but lacks social skills.)  But, I've learned that not everyone can or needs to have typical, traditional relationships.  Sometimes it's just better to shed some of those unrealistic expectations and accept that everyone has their quirks.  If I can make this work by being in a polyandric relationship, then that only benefits everyone involved. 

My other guy, Trevor, seems to be a lot less complicated.  Our relationship is almost completely about sharing daily experiences together.  We cook, eat dinner, nap, go out with friends, watch TV, and read the newspaper together, etc.  We usually spend the weekends together just hanging out at his home or mine. 

I think it's amazing that he's not intimidated by my relationship with Devon.  In fact, he welcomed it.  Trevor is not much for conversation, and he thinks my relationship with Devon is a joke.  He doesn't understand why Devon would want to fill that role in my life, but he's happy that I have someone who makes me happy in that way.

I'm surprised but very pleased that he also has no problem with my upcoming 2.5 week long vacation with Devon. Trevor told me that he's expecting to be really busy with work during that time, and he'll see me when I get back.

Sometimes I wish I had a man who wanted me all to himself, but I have two men who are dedicated to me, and this seems to work so far...