Did I ask for this? Polyandry is not the same as an open relationship.

Well, just nine months after I became a polyandrist, I found out that Trevor, my companion and lover has been cheating on me for the past five months. 

I know it sounds a little ironic that I’m complaining that he has another woman when I have another man.  But this is the difference – I was open and honest about my other relationship with Devon, and that relationship never had a physical component. 

Trevor and I had talked many times about how we were physically monogamous – our agreement was that he could have other female friends, but not other girlfriends. 

He lied to me.  I knew about Kathleen for a long time – he always said that she was just a friend.  But, then when it came down to business, she was a friend who didn’t know that he had a girlfriend, who our other friends jokingly referred to as “his wife”, and who he refused to allow me to meet.  And, I believed him when he said she was just a friend.

He seemed to believe that that it was okay for him to pursue other women because I was a polyandrist.  He also thought that it was okay for him to kiss yet another woman when we were at the club together.  I saw him do it.  Then, when I asked him what he was thinking his response was that we had a fight a few days before that, so he thought I’d be okay with it. 

I wasn’t.  I thought he was still my boyfriend.  

All relationships need honesty.  Just because I am a polyandrist, and I loved two men in committed relationships, never meant that I wanted to be unknowingly in an open relationship.  

I am a woman who likes to "do it." Is that so unusual?

In the society I was raised in all of the girls are taught - "True love waits."  It's a purity pledge that tells us to reserve physical intimacy for marriage.

Some people take it more seriously than others, from "we just won't do anything that would make a baby," to the much more conservative, "we are saving our first kiss for our wedding day."

I was somewhere in between. My elders probably didn't intend to teach me that intimacy was disgusting, but I was convinced that I didn't want intimacy before marriage, and that after marriage it was just "a woman's duty," so I would have to grin and bear it.

But still, I hoped that I would like it one day. I thought that our society's obsession with it must mean that there was something desirable about it...

- - -

Because I was a part of a conservative Christian social group, I had the idea that it was my responsibility to stop anything intimate from happening.  Basically, I was a prude.

Because of that I waited until my early 30s to try to lose my vir gin ity.  I had wanted to wait until I was married, but I was already engaged, and I was starting to have suspicions that my fiance, Devon, didn't have much of a se x drive.

He was upset that I was "so interested."  He wasn't.  I broke off our engagement.


I was devastated.  I went to counseling, it was no help.  I told Devon that whoever I date next is going to be the "lucky man."  I wasn't going to wait for marriage anymore.

Then Trevor, my long-time friend, found out I was single and wanted to see if our friendship could blossom into something more.  We kissed on our first date.  Several dates down the road he tried to get me into bed with him.  Initally I laid down, but within minutes I freaked out.  Not because of anything he did, which was not much, but because I felt so much anxiety over just thinking about it.

I ended up confessing my history to him (a boyfriend who called me a "nymfo", cheated on me with a gay man, and then Devon) and telling Trevor that I thought there was something wrong with me, and just thinking about doing it caused me so much anxiety that I didn't think I was interested anymore, ever.

He felt awful and thought it was him, but said he would give me some time to figure out what I wanted and not pressure me.

He was just what I needed at that time.  I went to a therapist to try to work through my problems, I read books, I got a vibe (much to his horror, haha, Trevor is actually kinda prudish).

We slowly worked up to it.  I felt grateful that he liked me so much that he would give me so many months to figure it out.  I delayed as I tried to figure out the technicalities, birth con trol for me, st d testing for him.

It was really hard for me to convince myself that's what I wanted to do without a ring on my finger, but at the same time I knew that I would never marry someone without "trying them out" first, or I would find myself in the same bad situation that I had been in prior, just with no easy out.


Finally, I had been thinking about it for some time and one weekend we were making out at my house and I just said, "let's do it."  Sh it.  That hurt.  That was the most unromantic, uncomfortable and unexciting thing I could imagine.  Afterwards I just kept thinking, "really, I've been warned my whole life against that? That's it???"

Somehow I thought that losing my vir gini ty would included fireworks in the sky and I would feel different afterwards - either more mature or bad and unclean.  I felt neither, I just felt completely the same, just unimpressed.

It didn't get better.  After the third time we almost broke up over it.  The only reason we stayed together is because I asked him to help me figure out my sexuality and told him that he was a "safe" person that I trusted to help me.  There was no commitment in our relationship at that time.

I felt like if I didn't figure it out with Trevor, the problem wouldn't go away, I would just find the same issue hurting my next relationship as well.

I kept thinking, "I am so so so glad that I am not married right now, because then I would feel trapped and forced to keep doing this.  At least now I know that I can stop whenever I want and just walk away."

It didn't get any better for the next six or seven times.  We took a break for a while, I read many books and tried many things to prepare myself.

Probably the eleventh time that we did it, it wasn't bad.  It was just neutral.  That was an improvement.

In general it kept getting better.  There were a few setbacks, but the more we learned about each other the better it got.  I finally started liking it after another dozen or so times.  Now it feels natural to me and I can't imagine why I believed that religious and social doctrine and deprived myself for so many years.

Recently Trevor said to me, "I'm amazed at how much you've changed since we started dating, and I'm so glad that I gave you the time you needed to figure it out because it's SO awesome now."

I'm glad too.

- - -

But that brings me back to my first topic.

Recently a close friend, Jenny, confided in me that she's terrified for her upcoming honeymoon.

Her family raised her even more strictly than mine, and she's a strong fundamentalist Christian who has taken those rules to the next level.  Even though she's been dating her fiance for three years, she has a no kissing policy.  Also, no caressing or doing anything that turns her on because she feels that those feelings temptations from the devil.  She also won't even say "I love you" until their wedding because she feels that is also sacred and not to be shared with someone who is not your spouse.

I don't know how her fiance can put up with all of that.

Jenny told me that she's terrified because she's been told "it hurts the first time" and she can't stand the thought of him seeing her without clothes on.  When she told me that, my heart just broke for her.  It seems that her upbringing is leading her to have an awful first experience, just like me.  She's  so tense and scared about it that it is almost guaranteed to hurt a lot.

She also told me that she never uses tam pons because she can't "put something up there."  And she's really concerned about not getting pregnant and worries that her fiance won't know how to use a con dom.  Yep, that's a recipe for disaster.

She's also putting a lot of emphasis in her marriage ceremony on the idea that they are both vir gins.  She invented a special "vir gin ity ceremony" where they will exchange white roses as a symbol to everyone that they are giving away their selves to each other for the first time.  (He's 34 years old, but I can't judge if he's actually a vir gin and a normal heterosexual.  I guess she'll find out after she's married.)

Because she knows me as a conservative Christian (I officially have one boyfriend and one best friend, but I haven't come out of the closet as a polyandress to any of my friends), I can't admit that I know what it's like to do it (because I'm not married.)

But, even if I could say anything to her, I wouldn't want to. Maybe, it will be a good experience for her, and I wouldn't want to sabotage that possibility.

What would I say anyway, "Yeah, the first dozen times I did it were awful, and the next dozen times were bearable, and after that I started to like it.  Now it's great, you just have to get thru those first 30 times or so..."

- - -

That sounds terrible, but back when I was struggling with this, I really would have appreciated some candid remarks from someone who could honestly tell me that they like it.

Back when I was struggling with this, I was so upset because I thought "it shouldn't be this difficult.  Why can't I do this?"

But it was difficult.  I had to figure it out only with books, the internet and Trevor for guidance.

The few women in my circle of friends and family who would talk about it with me told me they didn't like doing it, but "maybe you'll be one of those unusual women."

Let me tell you, I am so glad that I am "one of those unusual women."  :)

My first wedding as a Polyandrist

"I want to be monogamous," he says to me.

Let me back up in the story.

Devon and I have been together for six years. For the first four years we were a "normal" monogamous couple. Then, because I was "too much" for him to handle, we broke up for almost two years (but stayed very close friends).  During that time I started dating Trevor, a long-time friend of mine.

For a year and a half Trevor and I were a "normal" monogamous couple. 

I became a polyandress because I was at a crossroads - I loved two men, but they each felt that I had too much energy and was too much to handle.  I was about to lose both of them.

I sat back and thought about it.  What did I want in a life partner?  Devon fulfilled many of my needs, and the ones that he didn't meet, Trevor met those. 

Was it possible to love both of them as a polyandress?

I talked to each of them, and they agreed to "timeshare" me.  That was seven months ago, and I'm happy to say that this experiment has worked.  I think we're all much happier than we were before, and everyone is getting and giving what they want to in a relationship.


But then - just recently Devon and I went to my cousin's wedding with my family...

It reminded both of us of weddings we attended before together - before when we were a monogamous couple and thought that we would one day get married ourselves.

I wondered, what does it mean when you tell someone that you love them and you want to spend your life with them, but you recognize you're probably not ever going to walk down the aisle together?


I've never been the girl who dreamed about wedding dresses and planned her wedding before she even met "the one."

But, one of the hard things about being a polyandress is that I have realized that I need to accept that I will not be able to stand up in front of all of my friends and family and get married,announcing, "these are the men that I love and I am going to spend my life with."

I am never going to have a big, fancy wedding.  I cannot choose between them, and I cannot marry both of them legally or socially acceptably.


My immediate family knows that I'm a polyandress and supports me, Devon and Trevor.

Many of my relatives have met both Devon and Trevor at different events.  My mom has even told people that "she has two boyfriends." 

But the real reason that I will not marry both of them is because both Devon and Trevor don't want their families or friends to know that I have another man, or that they're okay with it.

At Devon and Trevor's request I've kept quiet about it with our mutual friends.  When people have asked me, I say that Devon and I are best friends and Trevor is my boyfriend, (not that I am a polyandress and they are both my partners.) 

I alternate who I bring to parties with me, depending on who is available that night and interested in going.  My mom suggested that my friends haven't figured it out just because they don't want to know.  They're probably not that open minded.

- - -

So, back to my cousin's wedding... 

Devon and I had a great time socializing and dancing with my cousins.  It wasn't until the next morning we woke up, and wished that we could be normal, and have a normal wedding, and a normal relationship, and just not have to disguise the true nature of our relationship!

During our argument when he said, "I want to be monogamous," I countered with, "I'd love to be your "one and only" too, but in order for that to happen you need to fufill all of my relationship needs.  Trevor is a really important part of my life.  Trevor is my lover and my everyday companion.  Are you prepared to fill his shoes?"

"No."

"I can't do that."

"You ask for too much," Devon said.


"No, Devon, YOU ask for too much. You really don't want all of the responsibility of being in a relationship, but you also don't want to share me with anyone else. That leaves me with only half of a partner.  That's not fair," I replied.


"But, I still have that dream that one day I will walk down the aisle and get married, and have kids with my wife, and have a normal family."


"How are you going to have kids when you don't even want to do it?"


"I think I could "get it up" for conception purposes."


"Yeah, right.  You've never been interested in doing it before."


"Well, maybe one day I will figure it out... But, if I dedicate my love to you as a part of a polyandrist relationship, I will never have that family of my own.  I'll always just be a part of your family with Trevor.  The kids will really be his."


"I'm sorry, Devon, but that's just how it is.  It's not my first choice to be a polyandress either, but since things didn't work out for a monogamous relationship, I think polyandry is a pretty good option for the three of us."

- - -

After we both cooled down, he told me that he loves me and still wants to be a part of this polyandrist relationship.
 
"Maybe we don't have to be 'normal', we can just be happy," he said. 


Sigh...sometimes life and love are really complicated...

Fear of Commitment

Everyone has a fear of commitment these days. I'm afraid to commit long term to my job (I've been a freelancer for five years).

My men are afraid to commit to me (in the form of having kids together), because someone better, who is their perfect monogamous match, may come along.

My friends are afraid of committing to hang out on Friday night, because they might get another invitation, but they always say, "I'll let you know..."


I am attending a wedding this weekend. While my cousin is going to make a lifelong commitment to his new bride, I am struggling with the lack of and fear of commitment in my own life.

Trevor was supposed to be my date, but even after enthusiastically agreeing to go, and confirming it two weeks prior, the week before he flaked out. He couldn't handle being committed to spending a weekend with me, my parents and extended family.

"It's so much time with family," he complained.

Now, to be fair, in our polyandrous relationship, Devon is the one who primarily does family events with me. I had asked Trevor to come on the weekend-long trip with my family because I wanted him to make an occasional appearance so my parents could get to know him better. (My family likes Devon a lot, but isn't sure about Trevor.)

When Trevor told me he didn't want to go, I was immediately angry that he would back out like this after I've RSVP'd that he's coming. But, I held my temper, and said that it was okay because I am a polyandrist, and I would ask Devon instead.

Devon happened to call my phone, just 10 minutes later, while I was still at Trevor's. I answered the phone and asked him to come with me to the wedding while standing right in front of Trevor.

Devon said yes.

I got off the phone and said, "Aren't you lucky? You are off the hook!"  I genuinely thought that was what he wanted and that he would be happy.

But, Trevor became very quiet and serious for the next few hours.

Later, that evening he said, "can we talk about this polyandry thing?"

I asked, "What did you think should happen? That I should just go to this wedding alone?"

"No...but..." he trailed off, "well, have a good time with Devon then."

This is why I'm a Polyandress

It's 4.5 months since I officially became a polyandress.  Part of me is surprised that it seems to be working so well.  The three of us have had our hiccups, but overall it's been great.  I finally feel like I'm being honest with myself about what I want in life and in relationships.

In fact, I think we just passed our first test of living this unconventional lifestyle.  Earlier this summer I got laid off from my job, and decided to use this extended "vacation" to go backpacking in Europe.  I invited Devon to join me for eight weeks.  During that time we would visit a handful of cities in Europe and Devon's extended family in Italy.

Before I booked my plane ticket I asked Trevor if this would be okay with him.  We would be separated for a long time and I wondered a bit if our relationship could handle it.  Plus, would Trevor be okay with me traveling alone with Devon for so long? 

Trevor told me to go have fun and he would see me when I returned.  He said that he would be busy with work and that the time would fly by before we would see each other again. 

A part of me wished that he had even a little jealousy towards Devon, but then I reminded myself, as I have so many times in the past 4.5 months, "This is why I'm a polyandress."

During my trip I kept in touch with Trevor everyday via the internet while I spent 24 hours a day with Devon. 


This vacation really re-solidified my relationship with Devon - and ironically, also re-confirmed my new polyandric lifestyle.

Devon and I had several conversations about what we want our life to look like in the future.  We want to always be together, but not in all the same ways of a normal husband and wife.  Why?  Well, one of the main reasons is that Devon is still an asexual.  Believe me, I thoroughly tested and re-tested this on our trip.  He is just not interested.

One day on our trip I broke down and asked him how it is possible to love me, but not want me.  Does he really even love me?  To me, emotional and physical love are intertwined, and yes, I do want to have both with him.

Devon told me that to him emotional and physical love are separate things, and he's "kinda grossed out" by the idea of physical love.  He doesn't even understand why I would want that, but since I do, he is supportive of my relationship with Trevor.

Of course that isn't the only thing that I enjoy about Trevor.  It's important to me to have a real relationship with him, not just a booty call.  And Trevor is also happy to timeshare me with Devon because Devon talks with and listens to me, provides emotional support, attends family events and keeps me happy.  Between the two of them I have one really awesome, fabulous man!

This is why I'm a polyandress.

What does it take to be a polyandrist?

I just read the book Only Pack What You Can Carry by Janice Holly Booth.  While this autobiographical book was primarily about travel and outdoor adventures like canyon rappelling, I felt like it was also encouraging me to find my own path based on what I wanted to do, and then to have the courage to do my own thing.

For me, the decision embrace a lifestyle of polyandry took strength and courage.  At the beginning, this was just a joke that I made - "maybe if I'm too much for one man, I should have two."  It was difficult for me to even think that this could be a real relationship model.  I don't personally know of anyone who openly practices polyandry or polygamy.  (But to be fair, I am "in the closet" to my friends and most of my family.)  I feel like I am forging a new path, entering into a relationship that is based on meeting each others' needs, not on an formula that was handed down from a generation that live in a very different society than we do now. 

So far, I have faced less opposition than I expected.  My men, Trevor and Devon, were happy to "change the rules."  My parents are happy.  They said, "we just want you to be happy, and you have a unique situation with Devon that calls for a non-traditional relationship."



The following are quotes from the book, and what I was thinking about my own life as I read this book.

In her book Only Pack What You Can Carry, Booth says on page 51, "Ultimately, though, commitment is really about not settling for a life that is less than what you want for yourself.  I am not referring to material wealth, which is meaningless if you are not fulfilled.  I'm talking about living a life full of vigor and energy and courage, a life that inspires you and others, a life that makes you feel you are not simply biding time, waiting for the next best thing."

I wanted a life that included Devon, but where the parts in my life that were still empty got filled.  At first I thought that I had to give up Devon, my soulmate, in order to find someone to hang out and eat dinner with.  That idea squeezed my soul out until I felt empty, and life felt meaningless.  I wanted to stop biding time and waiting for Mr. Right, when I knew I had already found him.  I know that finding someone to replace Devon would have given me a life that was less than I really wanted.  My changing the rulebook I have created a way to make it work.


Booth talks about fear on page 66, "What I learned in that moment was that there are two kinds of fear-the kind that keeps you from stepping off the edge of a cliff when you shouldn't and the kind that keeps you from stepping off the edge of a cliff when you should."

I had to determine what kind of fear I had about straying from the norm - and determine who's desires were more important - mine or "monogamous" society's rules and judgments.  I thought about it a long time, and discovered that I was no longer happy living by "society's" rules, because they weren't producing the results I wanted in a fulfilling relationship.  I'm also not sure if other people are playing by those rules anyway - society seems rather pseudo-monogamous these days.


On page 159, Booth talks about packing light, "I thought back to that moment on Tomales Point when I realized I had too much baggage, and what the promise to pack lighter has ultimately meant in my life.  Through my expeditions in solitude, I've dropped the rough stones of regret, blame, grudges, unnecessary worry, and unrealistic expectations.  Not only had I been carrying too much with me on the path to a destination that didn't exist-a perceived happiness that was tied to another-I didn't even know I was lost."

It's difficult to pack light - when I try to simplify my life I still find myself bringing too much baggage with me.  I try not to, but in weak moments I keep grudges against my men, blaming them for not being my everything and my Prince Charming.  I worry about my future, and if I'll have made the right decisions.  I have unrealistic expectations that I've learned from romantic comedies, about how I'm supposed to find Mr. Perfect and fall madly and truly in love, and have butterflies all of the time, and never be let down. 

Logically I know that relationships take work, patience and forgiveness, and nobody is perfect.  Happily Ever After with Prince Charming is the "destination that didn't exist."  How many happily married couples do I know that still each think the other is perfect?  Probably no one.  Ignorance is bliss.  When you don't know someone that well, you can imagine how wonderful they are in every way.

I don't think that I am too picky.  I actually fall in love easily.  I don't know if that's a good thing.  I've dated four different men (including Trevor) that at one time I thought I would be happy to marry and start a family with.  My frustration has been that even though I was ready to accept them pimples and all, they were the ones looking for Miss Perfect that makes them feel ecstatically in love at all times. 

I've been told several times, "you are a really great girlfriend, so don't be offended, but in order to commit to marriage I just need everything to be just right.  But I would like to keep dating you..."

I know that everything will never be perfect - that is too high of an expectation.  My big piece of baggage that I still can't seem to lose is frustration and hopelessness.  I do want children to be a part of my future, and very soon, I'm already 33 years old.  Both Trevor and Devon have offered to be my co-parent in the future "when I'm ready."  In other words, we don't have any sort of agreement yet, but they want to be my first sperm-donor choices.

Co-parenting is a child-custody and financial support contract, much like what couples agree to after divorce.  The difference is that there is no divorce, and hopefully, none of the animosity that comes with divorce.  It's a business arrangement with the well-being of the child at the focus.

My frustration is that they both say they want to father and raise children with me, but neither one wants to be committed to being my husband at this time.  That's what is holding me back now.  I don't know if I'm ready to give up the ideal of raising children with someone because we love each other, not that we just chose each other as breeding stock and signed a business contract!  I guess some people would say that a co-parenting contract is not very different from a marriage contract anyway.  Some days I believe that.

Of course, now that we're in a polyandrous relationship, the "rules" have changed.  It may be difficult and/or unnecessary for me to marry either of them and maintain our relationship(s).  Having children or not can be a decision I make independently.  I need some time to accept alternate paths to the same goal.


On page 237 of the book Booth talks about transformation, "Next to the caterpillar frame was an interpretive sign listing a few interesting facts about butterlies.  While in the cocoon, the pupa has to liquefy before it can transform into a butterfly; scientists aren't really sure why.  I smiled: here was another one of nature's unfathomable mysteries, not meant for us to know but simply to ponder in amazement.  And there was the epiphany: No transformation comes from a place of comfort.  No meaningful change happens just because you want it to.  In order to move from one reality to the next, you have to be willing to take risks wherever you find them in life-and sometimes you have to go looking for them.  There are the kinds of risk that really unnerve you, that shake you to the core and make you wonder what you're made of, that melt you like iron ore and then hammer you into something new; the kinds of tests you can't study for."

I'm still struggling with polyandry being a real relationship type.  I am the caterpillar in this scenario.  I think if I am able, it will be a wonderful transformation where I learn to be less judgmental and more accepting of myself and my men the way we really are.


Booth talks about her mother, Katie, finding and exploring a new relationship on page 257, "Katie said yes instead of no and her life changed.  While there, she reunited with a man she'd met at her 25th reunion.  They had become soul mates then, and now he was widowed.  He and Katie were free to explore a new kind of friendship that would sustain them through their later years.  Having spent a long time thinking about the life she wanted, Katie is now able to make her next decision based not on infatuation or repeating the lines of an old, outdated script, but on a foundation of understanding who she is and what will content her in the last years of her life."

I like that last sentence.  It inspires me to make my decisions not based on a romance script where I am a princess needing to be rescued by a knight in shining armor, and instead make my choices based on what will make me happy.


At the end of the book on page 261, Booth talks about how to keep your spirit alive, "For me, the loneliest place to die is not a desert or a mountain-top or a cave.  It's in your heart, your spirit.  It's the place you arrive after years of apathy, of refusing to live your life like a gushing faucet, a crashing wave, an avalance.  It means never being satisfied with stasis, resisting arbitrary rules, setting down your baggage and grabbing at life with both hands and an open heart."

Thank you, Janice Holly Booth, for the inspiration to resist the idea that there is only one way to finding happiness, for reminding me to let go of past hurts, and to live like life is an adventure.

Can Prince Devon and Prince Trevor Rescue the Princess?

I've been raised to believe that when I'm least expecting it, my Prince Charming will come and sweep me off my feet.  We will fall in love and live happily ever after.  That fairytale doesn't have two princes in it, only one.  

Now that I'm older, the story hasn't changed, but Charming is no longer a prince.  People tell me "You will find someone, you just need to lower your unrealistic expectations." 

Sometimes I wonder if instead of being with these two great guys, is there one man out there for me who would actually fulfill all of my relationship desires?  And if I found that one person, would I want to let go of Trevor and Devon to be devoted to one man only? 

Am I settling for polyandry because I haven't found Prince Charming?

The rational side of my brain says that the ideal of finding that one perfect person is impossible - and wishing for something that rarely exists is exactly the thing keeping me from being completely happy with the great situation I have. 


I don't think I'm the only person who is chasing perfection against their will. 

My cousin is 29 years old, and she recently told me that she met a wonderful guy on the internet.  They talked over the phone for months before meeting in person (they live in different states).  Then, when they finally met she saw that he is really short.  Like really short - under five feet.  She said she really wants to not be so superficial because he seems awesome, but she doesn't think she can even date him now.   

My friend Veronica is 31 years old and her longest and only relationship has been 4 months long.  She says she really wants to settle down and start a family, but she can't find anyone who inspires her to give up her freedom of not being responsible to anyone.  She gets irritated if a guy she's dating wants to see her twice in one week because he's "cramping her style."

My friend Sam is 51 years old.  He has been dating Erin, who he originally thought was perfect, but now that the "New Relationship Energy" is gone, he thinks maybe he should search for a different girlfriend to find that feeling again.  He says that rationally his brain still says Erin's the girl for him, but he really wants that magic feeling back.  He thinks that would cure his lifelong fear of commitment.

My friend Jillian is 24 years old, and getting married this August.  She twisted her fiance's arm to change religions, change jobs, give up alcohol, and let her handle his finances.  So far he's complied with her demands, but she has more...

My friend Charles is 27 years old.  He chose to buy a house that his girlfriend Erica didn't want him to buy.  She broke up with him over that decision - the problem was that he chose a house over her.  Erica just got engaged - to a different guy after dating for only five months.  She said that when you know it's right, you just know.  Charles is distraught - he somehow thought that she would get over it and wait for him while he figured his career out first.  She didn't like feeling like his back-up plan.

My friend Susannah is 36 years old.  She recently got pregnant with her friend's baby.  At first I was very confused since she didn't appear to be in any relationship, and didn't claim him as her date or boyfriend.  She told me that she hasn't met any men who spark her interest, and she is ready to just move to the next stage - children - without finding a man first.


Wow - it seems that I live in a soap opera.  No wonder my friends seem to accept my explanation of my current relationship status of "it's complicated."  Suddenly polyandry is sounding very normal and well, functional. 

Why would two men want to share one girlfriend?

I found an interesting blogpost by Sister Y on theviewfromhell.blogspot.ca that attempts to explain why men in the "nerd culture" may want to share one woman.

She explains that the single biggest determinant of a society going polyandrous is a male-skewed gender ratio, and that in the nerd culture there are way more males than females in that society.  She also says that nerds are less likely to be the jealous type, and more likely to disregard cultural norms and rules.  Interesting thoughts. 

Well, Devon is definitely a nerd, and Trevor calls himself a nerd (even though I don't agree he totally fits.)  So maybe this explains some things...


Here is another interesting explanation posted by meaningness on theviewfromhell.blogspot.ca :

Although Starkweather & Hames (sociologists) suggest that "junior husband" status is a second-best strategy for the uncompetitive, in some cases it's desirable and chosen, by men who could have a monogamous relationship if desired.

Some circumstances (based partly on observation of geek culture):

* Don't want to invest the resources a monogamous relationship requires, even though you have them.

* E.g. don't want to take the time, because you are extremely busy with some project. This is evolutionarily sensible if the project will pay off in a big way later. Geeks are also likely to be extremely busy with some project, at times.

* Don't have the skills, or don't want the hassle, of managing the emotions of a woman whose emotions need managing. (That is typically the job of the senior husband only, in the cases I've seen.) This could be a motivation for a lot of geeks.

* A slice of a highly-desirable woman may be better than the whole of a less-desirable one.

To elaborate your analogy: you might get a Zipcar membership even though you could afford to buy a car, because it's less hassle than finding on-street parking, or you don't drive often enough for a car to be cost-effective, or Zipcar has nicer models than you could afford, or...

Is this a symptom of the lack of drive and ambition plaguing men today?

Sometimes I wish I had a man who wanted me all to himself

Devon has started referring to Trevor as my "booty-call."

Image from postsecret.com

I sense a little jealousy there!  Which is not really fair because Devon is asexual.  I have to remind him that being celibate is his choice.

Besides that, Trevor is much more than just a booty-call.  He actually has a much greater role in my everyday life than Devon. 

It's complicated - I consider Devon to be the great love of my life, but if I had to choose only one of my two men, I think I would be much happier with Trevor.

Devon doesn't seem to fully understand that my relationship with Trevor is essential for my relationship with him to work.  Other than the daily long phone calls where we have daily "mind-meld" sessions, Devon is mostly absent from my life.  I've learned in the past few years that he thinks this is the ideal relationship, and no amount of asking, cajoling or coercing will cause him to change his mind.  Sometimes you just have to decide if you are going to take what someone has to offer, or leave.

It's hard for him to understand that his parents' relationship style, which he thinks is wonderful and I think is soul-killing, is not the type of relationship that works for me - unless I have an additional man in my life.

I don't understand why his parents are even still married.  Since I've known him, almost seven years, his parents have only spent about 2 months each year living in the same house.  The rest of the year his father lives in his family's old house on the island or is traveling for work.  Devon's parents talk on the phone daily, but see each other rarely.  When his father does come to visit his mother (who is a germaphobe) frequently tells him to go back to the island because he is "sick".  (I think it's just smoker's cough, nothing contagious.)

Devon's parents haven't slept in the same bedroom for the past twenty years.  Supposedly it's because his father snores so much. 

Devon and his mother made a fuss the first time I visited the island with them about how there were only four bedrooms.  I was confused, since four bedrooms seems like more than enough for two couples.  Then I learned that Devon cannot share a bedroom with anyone and his mother cannot either.  They explained that if I slept in the bedroom next to his father's bedroom that the snoring would keep me awake all night, so maybe his father should get a hotel room in the nearby town while I visited.  My eyes rolled so hard that my neck almost snapped. 

I volunteered to sleep in the room next to his father's bedroom.  If he snored at all on that trip, I didn't notice it.

It would be easy to just write off Devon as having some issues.  Sometimes I think he has Asperger's Syndrome.  (Very intelligent, but lacks social skills.)  But, I've learned that not everyone can or needs to have typical, traditional relationships.  Sometimes it's just better to shed some of those unrealistic expectations and accept that everyone has their quirks.  If I can make this work by being in a polyandric relationship, then that only benefits everyone involved. 

My other guy, Trevor, seems to be a lot less complicated.  Our relationship is almost completely about sharing daily experiences together.  We cook, eat dinner, nap, go out with friends, watch TV, and read the newspaper together, etc.  We usually spend the weekends together just hanging out at his home or mine. 

I think it's amazing that he's not intimidated by my relationship with Devon.  In fact, he welcomed it.  Trevor is not much for conversation, and he thinks my relationship with Devon is a joke.  He doesn't understand why Devon would want to fill that role in my life, but he's happy that I have someone who makes me happy in that way.

I'm surprised but very pleased that he also has no problem with my upcoming 2.5 week long vacation with Devon. Trevor told me that he's expecting to be really busy with work during that time, and he'll see me when I get back.

Sometimes I wish I had a man who wanted me all to himself, but I have two men who are dedicated to me, and this seems to work so far...

Finding Happiness in Polyandry

"I want you to only do the things with me and for me that you WANT to do."

That's what I've told both of my men.  And, that in return is how I want to treat them also. 

Let me explain.  I am in a "V-shaped" polyandric relationship.  I have separate relationships with Trevor and Devon.  Both of my men know about each other and are happy to "timeshare" me.

Prior to our relationship becoming polyandric three weeks ago, my relationship with Trevor was on the rocks. 

Trevor and I were in a monogamous relationship for a year and a half.  At that time I tried to keep my long-term relationship with Devon very platonic, minimizing it as much as possible, since I thought that I could only really love one man at a time.  Trevor was so open and understanding the whole time, telling me that it was okay if I stayed friends with my ex-fiance.  Because in my heart I just couldn't let go of Devon, sometimes I doubted the feelings I had for Trevor. 

Three and a half weeks ago Trevor sat me down for a talk, "There's something that I've been wanting to tell you since Valentine's Day.  Do you remember my friend Bruno?  Well, for Valentine's Day he wrote a really long passionate love letter to his girlfriend Angela and posted it publicly on Facebook.  In the letter he was talking about how she is the best and most important thing in his life and he is just head over heels for her.  Every time he sees her his heart skips a beat and he just can't imagine his life without her.  And she is amazing and beautiful and on and on and on..

"Anyway, I read Bruno's letter to his girlfriend and I just couldn't stop thinking how I don't know if I'll ever feel that way about anyone, ever.  I remember feeling intense ecstatic feelings like that when I was 20 years old, but now that I'm older...

"So I thought, maybe if I just put you first in my life, then I would feel like that about you.  So, since then I've tried to be the ideal man.  I've done everything you've asked me to do, I've gone everywhere that you've invited me to go, and I've tried to think about you and put your needs and wants first.  But, after five weeks of doing that, I just feel exhausted!  And instead of making me feel madly in love with you, I feel kinda resentful.  You have such a high energy level and I can't keep up with that.  I need time for myself." 

Trevor explained that he really wanted to make it work, but felt overwhelmed by the amount of time and attention I seemed to require.  He wasn't used to being in a relationship.  At 47 years old he has never been married, had no kids, and I was his longest relationship by far.  As a seasoned bachelor he enjoyed his time alone and answering to no one but himself. 

I was very surprised that was what he had to tell me.  In those five weeks he tried to be the ideal man, he succeeded.  He was amazing.  Too good to be true.

During that time I had felt myself drawing closer to him, and spending extra time with him because I thought that HE wanted to.  I had also been trying to systematically cut Devon out of my life.  Not because I wanted to, but because I thought that Trevor wanted me to.

We were both trying to make each other happy by doing what we thought they wanted, without asking them if that's what they really wanted.

It turns out - when we try to read each others' minds instead of openly communicating, and suppress our own desires to satisfy what we imagine they want - no one is happy.  To make our relationship work we all need to be in charge of making sure our own needs are fulfilled.

"I want you to only do the things with me and for me that you WANT to do" is actually a very difficult proposition to keep.  We often want to make the other person happy, and we think that putting their needs above our own will please them.  But, the true road to a strong relationship is to first be happy yourself.

Hiding in the Closet

Now that I've embraced Polyandry as an alternative lifestyle I've come to understand why "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is such a difficult policy for gay people.  It's about social acceptance, and not having to hide who you really are.

For the time being I've decided to stay "in the closet" with my friends and extended family about the nature of my polyandric relationship with Trevor and Devon.  I'm finding it to be surprisingly difficult because I am a very open person, and I now need to be really careful about what I say and the comments I make about the two most important people in my life. 

I already found myself almost letting it slip.  I was visiting a long-time friend the other day and I found myself telling a short story about something funny that Trevor did, and not a half hour later making a reference to Devon.  She noticed. 

"Oh, I thought you were still with Trevor."

Yes. 

I shrugged it off by saying that Devon and I are still friends and "it's complicated."  She accepted that explanation.  Whew!!!

I've been thinking about how to politically correctly refer to the both of them, in a way that my conservative friends can handle.  The best answer I've come up with is that Trevor and I are together, and Devon is my best friend.  That really unfairly downplays my relationship with Devon, but we talked about it, and he agreed that label was best for now. 


I also nearly slipped again a few days ago while eating lunch with my long-term friend Charles.  Now Charles is just a friend, and has never been anything else.  But, we've known each other since we went to school together, so we go way back.  For many years, Charles has given me man- and life-advice, and I can talk to him about pretty much anything.  He is probably one of the most religious and the most open-minded people I know.  (What a combination!) 

Charles is also friends with both Trevor and Devon (they all met thru me.)

All of this combined makes it so hard to keep my secret.  I was relieved that Charles didn't ask what my current relationship status is during our lunch.  But, we talked about lots of different topics, including controversial ones.

We were talking about politics, and I mentioned that I heard someone say that the current national focus on the gay marriage debate may be distracting our attention from the other issues happening right now.  He asked why I thought there is currently so much emphasis on the gay marriage issue.

I was surprised that he wasn't aware of the media's fixation on the topic.  I've noticed lately that this ad (see image at top of blog entry) has been following me around the internet.  I've seen it while using YouTube, while reading articles on news websites, and even when reading blogs that are unrelated to that topic.  Then, I turned my computer off and watched some news, and they were talking about gay marriage there too.  I read the newspaper and it was being discussed again.  Somehow that was also the chosen topic on the radio when I was driving, and one of my relatives sent me a forwarded email about it.  I've been feeling like I can't get away from it!

Seeing and hearing all of these ads has definitely got me thinking about the gay marriage debate more often.  I wonder if the desire to legally marry your significant other stems from the desire for social acceptance and openness.  They don't want to have to hide who they are, just like I don't want to. 

The stakes are so high.  I don't think Charles would turn his back on me over it, but I do have other friends that I think I would lose if they knew.  I have to guard my words, my thoughts, and if someone asks me directly, I need to remember to lie.

I mentioned to Charles that I read in an article about the gay marriage debate that some people think that if gay marriage is legalized, then polygamy will be next. 

Charles said, "Why only one man with multiple women?  What about one woman with multiple men too?"

We talked about polygamy and polyandry some more and he remarked that I really know a lot about the topic.  Umm - I was curious about the topic and did some Google searches?  Does that explain it? 

Ooh!  Close call!  It's surprisingly hard not to talk about something that's been on my mind so much lately. 

I'm going to need to be much more careful at the "Girl's Night" party I'm going to this weekend!  What am I going to say if/when someone asks me about my relationship status?

How do you define polyandry?

Polyandry is a word that I never heard of before deciding to become a polyandress.  It was only after talking to both of my guys and seeing how this arrangement could actually make all of us happy that I started doing some google searches - looking to see if there were other people out there like us - that I discovered the name for our lifestyle.

One thing I found is that relationships really have many different shapes and sizes, and some things that seem like alternative lifestyles are not necessarily as alternative as we think. 

Some things can be defined in different ways.  I don't have to define my relationship as polyandry.  I do because I like to think of it that way. 

I could also define myself as a single woman who is just dating two men.  But, I think it's more than that because both of my relationships are committed and long term.

All three of us like to think of ourselves and our lives in different ways.  Trevor likes to think he doesn't have to be responsible (although I think he is the most responsible of the three of us).  Devon likes to think that he and I can read each others' minds.  I like to think that I have a harem.  All of these statements are partially true, and mostly not. 

Polyandry is defined as a long term committed relationship between one woman and multiple men with the knowledge and consent of all involved. 

Here are some similar terms and their definitions:

• Polygamy - a committed relationship with more than two partners, includes polygyny, polyandry and group marriage
• Polygyny - a committed relationship between one man and multiple women
• Group marriage - a committed and exclusive relationship between a selected set of partners, both male and female.
• Love triangle - a romantic relationship where each of the three people has some kind of relationship to the other two, and often triggers jealousy and hatred between the rivals involved.
• Bigamy - entering a marriage while simultaneously being in a marriage with another person, without the knowledge or consent of people involved.  This is considered a crime, and the second marriage is considered void.
  

Instead of defining these terms using the word "marriage," I am using the term "committed relationship."  I am making this distinction because the marriage of more than two people is currently not legal in the country where I live.  Also, I don't know if I will ever get married.  But, if I did, it could only be to one man.


Until two weeks ago, when we made the decision and all of us agreed to try out this alternative lifestyle, I really hoped to get married in the future.  And, I was very frustrated as I got older, and my biological clock was ticking, that I couldn't seem to tie the knot.  Now, I have realized that what I really want is to have children in the future, but that doesn't mean that I need to get married. 

In the article "In Defense of Single Motherhood," author Katie Roiphe states that, "we now live in a country in which 53 percent of the babies born to women under 30 are born to unmarried mothers." 

It's been a challenge to let go of the idea that I need to get married to one man in order to have children, since my socially conservative culture tells me that's the only way to have a "planned" pregnancy, and that all other children are "accidents."  But, I really believe that adaptability is the key to success, and I have the ability to adapt to alternative options - like having kids with who I want when I am ready.  I'm not ready yet - we'll see what happens in the future.

I actually don't think I'd be happy without both of my men in my life.  They fulfill very different roles in my life.  To me, my relationships are not complete without having both of these roles.  To each of them, they don't even see a need for the other's role in a relationship. 

For example, I value having someone to make and eat dinner with.  Devon finds eating dinner together to be an unnecessary inconvenience, and prefers to eat frozen dinners on his own time. Even though I tried begging, pleading, coercing and all sorts of unattractive methods to try to get him to eat dinner with me occasionally, it rarely worked out and only resulted in hurt feelings on both sides.

Trevor on the other hand, really enjoys cooking and eating with me.  He will go out of his way to wait for me so we can eat together, and to cook food that he knows I like.  Now that I am having this need fulfilled in my life, I am no longer angry that Devon doesn't want to have that be a regular part of our relationship. 

Allowing myself to have two men in my life puts me in the driver's seat of my life and in charge of getting my needs met.

To me, that's what polyandry's about. 

Polyandry is a Possibility

I am just a normal 33 year old woman who was looking for "the one."  I haven't found one person who has fulfilled all of my needs for a relationship.  But, I found two.  Neither of these men alone make me happy, but combined, I'm hoping they will be a dream come true!

We've officially been in a polyandrous relationship for two weeks now, and I'm writing this blog because I need to have a place to express my thoughts and tell about my experiences.  My parents know about the nature of our relationship, and they approve (wow!), but I'm pretty sure that none of my friends would be able to handle knowing about it!  In fact, I think that for now it's best to keep it "in the closet" so to speak.

Our relationship is a "V".  I have separate relationships with Trevor and Devon.  They each know about my relationship with the other, and have met each other many times in the past.

Trevor and I met almost ten years ago and we've been friends since.  We started dating a year and a half ago, and have had some rocky moments, but lots of great ones too.  He is an amazing cook, and we actually fight about who gets to cook dinner because we both love to cook.  He's fun to be around, and I am able to let my passionate side out to play when we're together.  I love him, but in a different way than I love Devon.

But, Trevor had some big fears of commitment, doesn't want to celebrate holidays, and felt overwhelmed by the amount of time and attention I seemed to require.  He wanted to break up over those things.

Devon and I met almost seven years ago, and we dated for four years, got engaged, started planning the wedding, and then some serious issues came up.  We have been broken up (although never completely out of touch) for the past two years.  Devon is the most loving, most romantic man I know and I still believe that he is my soulmate and that we will remain friends, maybe even best friends, for the rest of our lives.  I love him so much.  What is the problem, then? 

After telling me for years that he thought that being physical should be saved for marriage he admitted that he is probably an asexual.  This was a huge surprise to me because he was always very touchy-feely, and I thought that would translate into you-know-what.  But it didn't.  He told me he is the type of asexual who still desires a relationship and likes to cuddle and kiss.  He just doesn't understand why that other stuff is important to me.  That wasn't the only problem in our relationship, but to me, it was the biggest unsolvable issue.  In addition, Devon felt like I had a much higher energy level than he could match, and he just couldn't give me enough time to keep me happy.

Over the past year I have really struggled with letting go of him as my best friend, because I felt that I should only have one man in my life.  I've joked to myself and my mother for a few years that maybe I just need to have another man in addition to him, but I never dreamed that I would actually find two men that wanted to "timeshare" me!

When I finally let go of the idea that I could only have one man in my life, and that he needed to fulfill all of my needs it was a huge release.

I kinda feel that instead of having two men, it's like each of them are half of a relationship, and when you add them together they are just one, really awesome relationship.  They each fulfill different areas in my life, and there isn't very much overlap.  Trevor is my lover, my dinner companion, and the person I hang out with.  Devon is my best friend, my soulmate, my confidante, travel companion, my Romeo, and my personal adviser.

I consider both of these roles to be very important, and I'm happy that I now have two men to make me happy.  They are not just okay with the arrangement, but actually enthusiastic about it!  I love both of them, and they both love me.  :)